THIS IS THE BEST EMAIL I HAVE EVER RECEIVED FROM THE INTERNET.
THE BEST “TAKE ME BACK” EMAILS I GET ARE FROM THE BEST GIRLFRIEND I NEVER HAD: THE INTERNET.
Dear itcreeps,
Okay, I'm not good at this kind of thing, but I feel like I have to give it a try. So, here goes:
I was hanging out the other night, listening to some old mp3s, and I was just overcome with memories of when we used to hang out all the time. Remember? You were an intrepid, fearless adventurer, and I was the free-to-play, fun-and-funny online role-playing game that won your heart. Do you still remember those good times? I can't stop thinking about them.
I mean, I know things got kind of messed up at the end, and believe me, I'm sorry. If I could take any of that back, I totally would. And I know people grow and change, and you're not the same person you were then, but hey — I've changed, too! I thought and thought about how to win you back. I figured I'd make you a mix CD, but I couldn't decide what "our song" was. So I just concentrated on becoming a better game for you, and here's what I came up with:
Remember how much fun you used to have with your clan? Alternately, remember how you never joined a clan because you didn't see the point? Either way, clans now have clan dungeons, group zones where your whole clan can work together. Crawl through sewers to Hobopolis, a vast underground vagrant vacation vista! Slide into the slime tube, and stir-fry sassy slimes!
I know I wasn't the prettiest game when we were together, so I had some work done. Almost every interface got an interface-lift. You can even manage most of your inventory via chat commands! I also came up with a way for you to automate some of the things you don't love about the game, so you can spend more time with the parts you do love.
Not only that, but there are way more animated .gifs than there were before. Don't worry; I haven't lost that low-fi edginess you love, but I'm a lot easier to play with now.
You can also have a custom title now, just in case you didn't feel like I appreciated what made you unique as an individual.
I should also say
Haiku Dungeon's been revamped.
See what I did there?
Maybe you quit because you got sick of always adventuring above the water. I admit that seems unlikely, but I fixed that, too — there are a bunch of underwater zones with new food, equipment, mechanics, and challenges.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg, trust me. I'm still the silly, clever, deceptively-complex game you fell in love with, only with about 95% more awesome.
So, I'm just sayin', if you can find it in your heart to give me another chance, I won't disappoint you.
If you don't drop by, I promise I won't bother you again. I just really felt like we deserved one more try.
Love,
The Kingdom of Loathing.
http://www.kingdomofloathing.
REGURGITATED SHIT FROM BIG WEBSITES ON THE INTERNET THAT YOU MAY NOT HAVE SEEN BECAUSE YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT WEBCOMICS/COMICS/BECAUSE YOU HATE GOD
Not from Comics Alliance
Suggested additional signs:
GOD HATES UPDATING MORE THAN ONCE A WEEK
GOD HATES THE MAN
GOD HATES FAGS-ING AROUND
GOD HATES THE OUTDATED, OUTMODED PRINT-COMICS INDUSTRY
GOD HATES FANZINES
Winner:
GOD HATES HATERS
DO YOU KIDS…
… fucking love coke?
I THOUGHT YOU GUYS KNEW BETTER THAN TO DRESS YOURSELF LIKE THE WINDOWS AT GLASSONS?
DEAR IDIOT-FUCKING GIRLS IN NEW ZEALAND,
Knee-high socks are not to be worn with stockings underneath.
I know fashionising.com think it’s ok to wear stockings underneath as layering to add “a whole new dimension to an outfit.” A whole new dimension of stupid, perhaps, but not a whole new dimension of good. I know that it’s “practical” because it’s winter and the other morning it was -5ºC. You want to wear knee-highs with your boots because they look good but you feel like you need something warmer than just knee-highs. Seriously? Practical ≠ fashionable. Otherwise you’d be walking around in oilskins, gumboots and wool everything else with one of those waterproof cellphones and a Panasonic Toughbook.
My stylist told me that this is kind of the poor-man’s version of wearing thigh-high boots with stockings. YOU GUYS WANNA LOOK LIKE POOR PEOPLE?
BUT YOU CAN FULLY BUY A BAGUETTE AND WALK AROUND WITH IT UNDER YOUR ARM
France is a beautiful place full of beautiful cities and countryside but cursed with crappy, congested, expensive roads where there there are two scenarios:
A) You’re in some town/city and there are no parks, or
B) You’re trying to drive somewhere and you have to pay a €26.40 toll and then you get pulled over for “speeding”.
FUTURNARI – ANOTHER UNLIKELY HERO. NO FRUITY-LOOPS ALLOWED. TAKE YOUR VSTS AND BITCRUSHERS AND FUCK RIGHT OFF.
Another Unlikely Hero is the debut release from Futurnari.
Futurnari is a Christchurch-based chipmusician who composes, performs and records on native, 8-bit trackers. This DMG release is a 5-track EP in the vein of Zan-zan-zawa-veia and Alex Mauer.
I WAS GOING TO OBSERVE PROPER BLOGGING PRACTICE AND INCLUDE A JUMP HERE, BUT FUCK THAT, I DON’T CARE HOW LONG THE FRONT PAGE IS.
Yeah, so anyway.
Instead of being a Burberry model I really wanted Emma Watson to become one of two things:
- My wife or
- nah, probably just that.
