k kiddies so I am in Wellington and I just found out about this madcore awesome thing called ‘fad dieting.’

Typical Steps for Fad Dieting:
1) Purchase large amount of (x)
2) Whenever you feel like (y), instead consume (x)
3) Go running/swimming/chronic masturbating
4) Maybs go to (z) to get some (a)
5) Text your BFF to whine about (b)
6) Wake up, consume (x)
7) Pass out at (z)
8) Get fired from (z) due to scabby face
9) Scrape (c) of tongue every morning like you have conjunctivitis but in your mouth
10) Spend heaps of time in (d) due to (e)
11) Buy some (f) from a (g)
12) Develop (h) and spend serious time in (i)
13) (j)

The Tea Diet
This is one for the kiddies who rep the herbals and like weak and pointless things like zebra crossings and the Good Morning show.
Steps
1; 2; 4; 5; 6; 10; 11; 13.
Legend
x = Tea (preferably herbal because you might get buzzed)
y = Food
z = Internet
a = Thinspiration
b = Hips / neck rolls / flabby arms / gross veiny thighs / back fat / etc
d = Toilet
e = Acute Bladder Pressure
f = ‘Shrooms
g = The dude at the herbal tea store’s flatmate who you met when you texted the herbal dude about that mad brew from India. You know, the one that he told you was super-spiritual and shit. Whatever, he’s a hippie.
j = Weigh self in 3 days, still fat.

Lemon Detox Diet
This diet is where you just drink some horrible concoction of maple syrup and lemon juice and pepper instead of eating.
Steps
1; 2; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 12; 13.
Legend
x = Shitty lemon drink ingredients or whatever.
y = Eating / being interesting or worthwhile.
z = Work
b = Hips / stretch marks / flabby arms / gross veiny thighs / back fat / etc
c = Gunky shit.
d = Hospital
e = Malnutrition
h = Depression
i = Psychologist’s office with other people who didn’t do your retarded diet, but are probably considering it because their lives are shit due to neck rolls.
j = Die, but still need a plus sized coffin.

The Eat Sensibly And Maybe Exercise Some Of The Time Diet
Sources suggest that most people ACTUALLY DO THIS DIET without even realising it. This is one of the most evil and transient fad diets out there.
Steps
1; 2; 3; 4; 3; 5; 3; 3; 10; 11; 12; 3; 13; 3.
Legend
x = Healthy, sensible food.
y = Binging on RTDs and fried chikken for afters.
z = Chemist
a = Lube.
b = Lack of gf/bf/fleshy, moist hole/turgid meat-pole.
d = Bathroom
e = Chronic masturbation.
f = Porn
g = Internet pay-site / Erotixxx Homestore For Curious Men And Women And Ladieboys / Your buddy who has heaps of bandwidth and is moderately indiscriminate about his browser history.
h = CMD (Chronic Masturbation Disorder)
i = Bathroom.
j = Lose touch with friends due to Internet addiction, forget why you started dieting.

The Atkins Diet
This is where you only consume protein in the form of meat and meat products.
Steps
1; 2; 4; 5; 6; 10; 7; 12; 13.
Legend
x = Meat and meaty things like Beth Ditto.
y = Carbs.
z = Farm
a = Cows.
b = How shitty those “vegetarian” people are. If you think you are a rabbit you should just eat grass.
d = Slaughter house.
e = Meat consumption – you are cutting out the middle man and now that chick at the supermarket who you want to date rape won’t give you that kind-of-arousing-but-chances-ruining look of scorn/disdain whenever you wait in the giant line for her checkout for half an hour when you could have gone in the self-checkout isle and gotten a screaming computer screen in like two minutes.
h = Constipation.
i = Your car outside that supermarket girl’s house because you don’t ever need to go to the bathroom and can pee in bottles all night if need b- OH SWEET SHE IS GETTING CHANGED AND I CAN SEE THROUGH A CRACK IN HER CURTAINS. ALL RIGHT! WAIT, FUCK! MY CELLPHONE BATTERY IS DEAD AND THAT IS THE ONLY CAMERA I OWN!
j = Work up the courage to actually speak to that chick, but she asked you what you pant size was and decided that you were too fat when you said 40 inches. Then you told her that you really enjoyed her teenage puffy nipples and she called security on you now you have to drive for 30 minutes to get to a supermarket and the court makes a big black dude supervise you at the checkout so you don’t re-offend.

Written by: Zach.
Tags: nutrition.