LOGGING SHARES UP INTERNATIONALLY AS ZOOS CHURN OUT JOB APPLICATION FORMS. ENVIRONMENTALISTS: “WORRIED.”
Worldwide mourning continues today after the death of Thomas Doerflein. The 44-year-old minder of internationally acclaimed “cute little polar bear cub,” Knut, died yesterday or something of a heart attack in his apartment.
Doerflein had hand raised the cub since it was rejected by its mother (getting pretty vague, the polar bear bit doesn’t really interest me) or something and he would play with it in front of crowds at Berlin zoo.
As word got around that some dude with a pony-tail and a sweet as beard was rolling around on the ground with a ball of white fluff, Doerflein’s fame began to spread. Doerflein began to receive letters of love and proposition from adoring female fans (and probably some male ones, too but the sources I consulted didn’t say anything about that. LAME, how can I be funny if I can’t make gay jokes? Answer: I just write and write and write and write and write and write and write and write and eventually you are so tired of reading whatever I have written that it doesn’t even matter what the punch line is – you want to be able to get up from the computer, boil the kettle then pour the water on your hands so the pain makes you feel alive again) and would be screamed at on the streets. He told some journalist: “It happens at least twenty times a day.”
Doerflein basically went from being ‘Some Middle-Aged Guy With A Beard Who Minds Animals At The Zoo’ to ‘OMG IS THAT THE KNUT GUY? MAN HE IS SO FUCKING HOT! QUICK, HOLD MY BAG I AM GOING TO SCORE – PICK ME UP IN THE MORNING, K, BYE!’ P.S. the chick who said that is a model for D&G:
This is the moment just before she goes crazy. The one on the far right sees him first.
I think that Doerflein has suddenly become so sexy because he is the closest anyone in the world can get to have sex with a polar-bear cub. In my experience, all chicks want out of life is to be surrounded by cute and fluffy things, so why not take the next step?
Doerflein’s beard = Knut’s fluffy coat. TRANSACTION ACCEPTED – do you think they gasp, “KNUT, KNUUUUUT!” As they come? I do.
in summary: zach is jealous that he doesn’t get to roll about with an adorable polar bear and takes out his rage by mocking a nice dead beardy man.
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.