I was on a plane yesterday and I made the mistake of reading the in-flight magazine while I watched the guy next to me sleep with his mouth open. You should never read these things because they get wardrobe consultants in to give “fashion advice.”

This article is pretty uninteresting but I feel that I need to draw your attention to the “Wide-legged pants.” These are versatile in the same way that pyjamas are versatile. They are “comfortable” and “casual” and you can “be yourself” in them and they also make you look like someone dining solely from microwave dinners in a motel that is run by some hairy guy who always wears the same sweat-stained wife-beater and never fixes anything.

I think I don’t get this because I am being presented with something that does not exist outside of magazines. I believe this model is wearing something for an older woman and as a consequence I can’t really say whether it is good or bad because none of my hormones are filling my brain up with sparkles.

What the fuck is this? I mean, is that dress okay? I think it is – actually, I think the top half is kind of ok – she has a NICE HEADBAND. But what is the bottom half about? Iridescent green heel things? Why do I feel like the world is a sad, sad place when I look at this? My eyes are annoyed because I am wasting their time.

Who do I blame for this? Is it the model’s fault? Is it the photographer’s fault? Is it the wardrobe consultant’s fault? How did this make it into the magazine? This is pretty degrading.

Well… I mean, this is pretty good. Sparkle, sparkle etc.

But I think I like this better. This is what shuttershades should do instead of making the world look like you have awoken on the wet grass pressed up against the metal fence of a primary school on a Friday morning. You’d better get out of here and find some pants before things get illegal.

Written by: Zach.
Tags: fashion.