At my job as a coffee whore we usually ask people if they want sugars in their coffee because when I put a sugar in a coffee I throw the rubbish in the bin. Not many people have figured out that the hole with rubbish in it is a bin (either that or they think it’s a “special” bin or something) and they generally leave their milky shit all over the bench where I can’t see it.

I don’t know what I’m going to do next time someone tell me they’re “sweet enough” when I ask them for sugar. I think I’ll probably just imagine them losing grip on a precipice and they’re screaming for help but nobody cares because everyone knows they are the unfunniest person in the world. I’d also imagine filming this part (with audio) so I can blog it (this is how I imagine everything in the world).

The other day some old dude did a great thing with this otherwise-not-fit-for-anyone’s-consumption “joke.” He was all: “No, thanks. I need to stay sour. Maybe you should have the sugar. Go chase some girls.” To which I replied: “Alriight.” (Most of that reply was silent and consisted of me filling and tamping his coffee just right and thinking: “Far out – this guy is legit.”)

Now read the speaking bits all again but this time be the seventy-something misanthropist – he delivered this in a matter-of-fact monotone. No inflection, just straight up cynicism. This dude has probably run hundreds of school children over in his lifetime. He doesn’t even stop – he probably doesn’t even notice. In fact, when he doesn’t run school children over he checks his tires and his oil/water levels because, “something just isn’t quite right.” He could probably give himself a WOF but I doubt he does because he’s too badass for that. The last cop that pulled him over (read: 50kp/h car chase because he never looks in his rear-view mirror) had visions of the first time he tried to shave for two months afterwards then fled the country.

This guy was the evil version of Sir David Attenborough.

Written by: Zach.
Tags: david attenborough, soulless toil.