THEY’RE IN MY CLOTHES UNDER MY SKIN IN MY HAIR SRATCHILING ON MY SCALP IN MY SOCKS UNDER MY ARMS OH NO OH NO OH NO
I just had a lovely shower that I shared with my least favourite household friend, the spider. All was fine until I noticed the spider, then I was a) worried that the spider might die (I hate when bugs needlessly die) and b) scared that the spider would touch me or something – fuck, man. Spiders turn me into a giant pussy.
I thought things were going pretty well until the spider disappeared and I was like, “That’s a relief – I bet he’s outside the shower now. He won’t be hit by my drips out there.” Suddenly I see him (Her? It? Him for the sake of this narrative. We’ll have ‘her’ next time for gender balance.) skitter across the bottom of the shower and float up the curtain! How did he do that! WTF? AAAHHHHH MAGIC LEVITATION SPIDER FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!! Then I realise he’s managed to get a thread of silk going. Then I start freaking out – oh fuck what if the silk is a giant web all over the shower and I’m standing in it? Little silk threads and spider babies (her) all in my hair and shit oh fuck oh fuck.
I get out of the shower and grab a facecloth to catch the spider in but she doesn’t want to stand on my cloth! I try to catch her but she keeps crawling over the top of the shower. I ONLY WANT TO HELP YOU, SPIDER. In the end I tap the inside of the curtain and she falls onto the cloth. Now to get her outside. I open the shower door and walk toward the front door (glass) while trying to get the spider to stay on the cloth, which – to my horror – seems to be shrinking in size. To add to my precious burder and my escalating panic, I’m freezing! Then I realise I’m naked, about to freak out, half-running around the house holding some cloth with the world’s tiniest spider as cargo.
Oh, no. After finding all of the images for the hyperlinking in the first paragraph I’m freaking out and everything that touches me feels like a family of spiders trying to make nests in and under my skin! This is horrible.
It’s going to be a long night.
MAGIC LEVITATION SPIDER!!!!!!!!
This is fo defs my fav s500 post ever
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWS04I80L3Q
this is how i feel when i see that picture of the homeless guy whose leg is full of maggots
OH FUCK SHIT THEY ARE IN MY LEG NOW
h8 u
Spiders don’t freak me out UNLESS;
1. They don’t make their presence known before getting all up in my grill (ie: “hey, I was just chillin’ under the garbage bin lid & y’all had to come on with yo disposal *leaps*)
2. They recklessly endanger themselves by showering with me (& I would REALLY like to not drown them)
& 3. They hit the ground running.
OK here is my spider story:
I came home once to find my three flatmates sitting on the couch staring in horror at a fucking huge spider (this is an Aro Valley spider, they get big) that had wandered in during the day. In a moment of extreme bravery someone had gotten close enough to put a glass over it, but they were all still afraid to take their eyes off the spider in case it knocked the glass over and made a break for the shower or something. God knows how long they had been there for. Hours. Weeks! Waiting for me to come home because I was the flat’s spider wrangler.
Anyway I manned up and went to put the spider outside and IT WAS FUCKING DEAD.
The fifth spider picture was the best, I think.
i hate you for saying that about the fifth picture. i had stopped at the third but i just had to look. a spider used to live on the otherside of my pillow. then i found him. we don’t talk anymore.
oh man! it wasnt even number 5. it was number 7!…. you should look at that one