Are you bored with grunge whining about being a child of divorce? Are you bored with bloghouse constantly trying to sound like Daft Punk? Are you bored with hip hop objectifying women so that it’s no longer ironically funny and is actually making you voice vague feminist opinions? Are you bored with Morrissey because he’s a stupid cunt?

Have a new genre! Have some motherfucking twee!

Do you feel at home in second hand shops, huffing the dust collected on the pile of old books? Do you find yourself drowning your sorrows in English breakfast tea instead of alcohol (though maybe with a splash of gin)? Do you crochet things that don’t need to be crocheted, like miniature hats for the iron? Do you want to hug shit all the time?

Have some mittens and courdoroy pants! Have some motherfucking twee!

Look how happy they are! They don’t even need to practice proper road safety because even if they were involved in major accident they’d just come away with some minor cuts and bruises! Which they could patch up with novelty children’s bandaids!

When you break up with someone I think you’re supposed to become immersed entirely in one genre of music, like punk or all that stuff that sounds exactly like Coldplay. I’ve fallen back on twee because there is no way hand claps can make you sad! And most twee is about heartbreak and unrequited love and tea cosies so it’s easier to associate with than DOWN WITH THATCHER.

Today I told my mom I want to be in a twee pop band. It was a bit like a five year old saying they want to be astronaut to their parents.

“I want to start a twee pop band and play shows in second hand stores.”
“…what’s a twee pop band?”
“Well, twee is overly cute and quaint and whistling and holy fuck-”
“KATIE.”
“-look how cute this ribbon in my hair is. And a band is a group of people playing music with some vague coherency. Obviously.”
“…I guess you can try. Tonight I think I’ll have steak for dinner.”

Not only does my mother have no faith in myself and my melodica, but she is having steak for dinner which is in no way twee. Fuck, mom, have some porridge for dinner because you’re so quirky it’s breakfast for tea or something.

How will I find members for my twee band? Do sleep500 readers have ukuleles? Do you like Tullycraft, Heavenly, Free Loan Investments and Nixon? If so, I’m your girl. I can’t sing but that’s endearing. I’ve written a song about writing love notes on Scrabble boards. Names I can propose are Trip Fontaine and Doily Sadness. I will make you lots of tea.

THIS COULD BE US.

This is actually Los Campesinos! but feel free to Photoshop yourself in. Or print it out and make a collage!

Or embroider this image onto your pillow and cry into it because you’re not having as much fun as they are.

Written by: Katie.
Tags: cute shit, music, twee.