So, New Year’s Eve. I don’t know what you kiddies did for that whole thing but I went to Rhythm and Vines. I don’t know why I bothered, because I would have preferred to sit around at home on the internet. Actually, I probably would have preferred to sit around at home on dial-up internet.

R&V was kind of horrible. Apparently The Guardian rated it the #2 place to be in the world after Paris for New Year’s Eve. If I cared more, I would probably go searching for some kind of reference.

But fuck, man. R&V was so shit I even saw some grapes that were having a bad time:

This is interesting because I thought the whole point of Rhythm and Vines was to stimulate the plants on the winery so they grew better. You know how if you talk to your plants, they grow better? Yeah. So, I was watching MythBusters and they did an experiment to see if that worked. They found that it did, and furthermore, the more stimulation the plants received (i.e. in the form of sound) the better they grew. The plants that were played death metal grew better than the plants the were played classical music (reference). Evidently R&V knew that a death metal festival wasn’t going to do very well in Gisbourne so they tried dub. When they saw that working, they decided to step things up a notch and get some heavier bands to play hoping to make up their losses from paying international artists with bigger wine sales.

Well, fuck your profiteering because your festival was shit.

Written by: Zach.
Tags: fuck rhythm and vines.