♥ My Friends ♥

Becky was like, “You’re going to eat something called cum-cum?” but I was all: “Nah, you put it on your face.”

Knee-high socks are not to be worn with stockings underneath.

I know fashionising.com think it’s ok to wear stockings underneath as layering to add “a whole new dimension to an outfit.” A whole new dimension of stupid, perhaps, but not a whole new dimension of good. I know that it’s “practical” because it’s winter and the other morning it was -5ºC. You want to wear knee-highs with your boots because they look good but you feel like you need something warmer than just knee-highs. Seriously? Practical ≠ fashionable. Otherwise you’d be walking around in oilskins, gumboots and wool everything else with one of those waterproof cellphones and a Panasonic Toughbook.

My stylist told me that this is kind of the poor-man’s version of wearing thigh-high boots with stockings. YOU GUYS WANNA LOOK LIKE POOR PEOPLE?

• 1) Keep it simple:
  Just like a vanilla milkshake they need to be subtly classy. Class makes classics. Classics are timeless. You want to live forever? Here’s your ticket:

  

Done!

I heard about fashion last week or something and man am I cleaning things up around here.

Alright. It is ok to wear leggings as pants AS LONG AS you aren’t wearing Ugg boots. As soon as you wear ugg boots you are a 0/10 and I hope you die.

Wear leggings with really big high heels:

Exceptions (there are no exceptions to the Ugg boot rule): Jeggings.

Jeggings are fucking lamer. If you want to wear tight jeans just wear tight jeans.

Man, this is the hottest chick I’ve seen in a while. She’s doing a bunch of things right: Looks cute, has red hair, is on a farm somewhere getting in touch with nature (she is probably a modernist) and she is wearing something that doesn’t say, “LOOK AT MY FUCKING TITS!!!” She is also wearing cute high heels just like I always say and she almost, but not quite, has camel toe which is good because it reminds us that with great power comes great responsibility.

Unfortunately she is wearing some stupid belt and jeggings. While her jeggings are looking pretty sexy from here, when you get a bit closer you realise those seams are just a lie. Fuck that shit. Everyone knows chicks only wear pants because pants have seams and you can ride a seam to happiness in a room full of people. Wearing pants that are pretending to have a seam is like carrying around an mp3 player with no songs loaded on it.

What the fuck?

I don’t know about you but all of these people look like huge douchebags. They’d probably look like douchebags without keffiyehs, but THEY JUST HAD TO KEEP GOING. I don’t think I could hate them any more unless maybe they were also wearing harem pants. Which for all we know they are.

This has been my first post at sleep500 and post #1 in the FUCK KEFFIYEHS series. Please accept me into your blogging fold so Zach still pats me on the head and gives me treats.

Now, there are several important things to remember when consulting the Collar Law.

x+y=coolness rating.
where:
x = shortest distance down collar to shoulder
y = distance from sharp corner of collar to midpoint of chin

HOWEVER there are some conditions that always need to be taken into account when making collar judgments.

Rigidity can be a big factor: you may have the numbers, but bitch if you leaning to one side or gettin yo slope on, then you’re losing points big time.
In the image I have constructed, Subject B is showing immaculate rigidity especially on his left hand side, while subject A ain’t got shit and is probably just a poser in the collar game.

Also, the image may be misleading: Althought hand actions are not always necessary to accompany the popped collar, they can be helpful at times, as shown.

I have also included below an image of how NOT to pop your collar. As you can see, the subject below has made no effort to separate the material of his collar from the material of his shirt near his shoulder.

This brings about possibly the most important rule of collar popping: EVEN THOUGH YOUR X AND Y DISTANCES ARE ALL G, IF YOUR COLLAR IS TOUCHING YOUR SHOULDER THEN THEY DON’T MEAN SHIT.

It wasn’t this pair, but I almost wish it had been, just so I would have known that it was an elaborate joke.

I think it was this pair, but in a kinda khaki colour.

Idk, but I think these suck. A lot. Do you think he went into a store and CHOSE THEM OVER A DIFFERENT BRAND?! I hope not.
Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I should start wearing only Fubu. I want to be as cool as this guy.

Oh, to the Fubu window cleaner: If you want me to take you seriously next time, wear a real mans shoe.

♥

This is what my intern said:

“The thing about geek chic is that the people who do it are hardly ever geeks. I don’t know. Real geeks wear shirts with dragons on them. Geek chic is just a label made up by the fashion industry that has nothing to do with reality. Plus geek chic now is kind of hipster fashion.”

She said that this was a pretty good example of a “geek.”

She said that although this is what this dude wears in Doctor Who this is a pretty good example because this is basically what he wears in real life. All I know is that I would never give this guy a blow-job. Not even if he did that thing that you see in gay porn all of the time where they lie back and grab their dick really close to their balls and kind of point it to you. Not even if he played my favourite song. Not even if he paid me $20USD (that is like $400NZD!!!!). Not even if he spat on me. Not even if he got me drunk and bought me BK. Not even if he just accepted my friend request on fckbk without fucking emailing me to ask who I am. Not even if he lifted my ban from requesting friends:

sleep500: Would you fuck a guy just for nailing geek chic? Personally, I wouldn’t fuck a poser. I’d need to know that they knew what AoE spells were.
intern: Nah, I’m not forward enough to run up and fuck some ‘geek chic’ guy. I would just make real life :3 faces at him and then cry about it later while listening to twee music. You wish you were this cool.
sleep500: Whatever, bitch you just love hipsters too much.
intern: Fuck you, cunt you are a fucking hipster – you love v-necks and drop crotch pants. I’ll draw a picture of the day I saw you at [insert hipster cafe].
sleep500: You can’t draw.
***
intern: Despite having a laptop with a touch pad I still can’t draw for shit in MS Paint.

sleep500: Far outies.

Geeks are fucking cool.
Sometimes girls that probably aren’t geeks/smart/running the world can be cool too. Especially when they dress kinda like geeks,which makes them look smart and authentic enough to run the world. More girls should dress like this chick, she really shows us how to look like a prude, but you know she tells her bf to aim it into her glasses every now and then.

This chick looks like a girl who works at some clothing store that we went to one day. She was hot. Anyway – I like her chain, her glasses and her fringe. I would stand up if this chick walked into a room.

Guys should get their Seth Cohen on, but not quite so emo-esque tragic styles.
Actually, just like Dan from Gossip Girl. It’ll be like Gossip Girl IRL, but instead of fucking each other in the back of limos it’ll be in the toilet cubicles at a bar.

I used the Google and discovered that the mainstream media has very little idea of what constitutes a hot geek. I think they kind of get “hot,” and I think they have some understanding of the concept of “geek,” but when you combine the two terms you don’t get shit.

Proof:

HOT:

Yeah, I guess this is pretty hot. I edited this image because it wasn’t work-safe. I hate it when Google filters my search results but occasionally it can be problematic (read: fun).

GEEK:

This has nothing to do with geeks at all. Everyone who owns a cellphone can read this. Actually, anyone with a basic grasp of the Latin alphabet can replace numbers with letters in their heads. This shirt would be better if it were all written in Linear B. You thought that I was going to say Binary. No. Binary is what computers use – not geeks. Geeks are more alternative than people who organise their social circles around a few buzz bands. Linear B is the altest language ever. Scene kids, listen up.

LINEAR B:

GET ON IT.

HOT GEEK:

This is not a geek girl at all. Geeks don’t actually use that cellotape/masking tape for the glasses – they get new glasses. Geeks own the server that sleep500 is on, and they make heaps of fucking money off Goss and me – they just ring up their optometrist and go, “Hi, Mike. Yes I need another pair. Have the chauffeur knock twice and leave them on the doorstep. No, I do not want to accompany you to Pharrell’s bachelor pad. He is going to pick me up after his gig. Yes, I am a big deal. Goodbye.”

I just looked at the picture again and that girl hasn’t done a very impressive job of dressing herself. Geeks stay away from gimmicks like cleavage.

For some reason there is a large misconception that girls wearing t-shirts like these are geeks. This is incorrect. These girls are consumers of geeks. If you start going out with a child molesterer, it does not make you a child molesterer (well, maybe it does by association if the molestering was happening whilst you were there. I don’t know much about the laws surrounding pedophilia). Long story short: This chick is not a geek.

HOT GEEK CHICK:

This is not a “hot geek chick.” This is Sasha Grey and she is a porn actress. Just because you put glasses on does not mean you are a geek. Also – why would this “geek” be in a classroom? Evidently she is too old for school and Sasha Grey is too much of a brat to be cast as a school teacher. The people who constructed this “How To” are guilty of spreading misinformation. Shame on them.

HOT GEEK GUY:

The media definitely have this one wrong. You can’t just take some guy who knows where the gym is, give him a personal trainer and some black-rimmed prescription glasses (prescription optional) and assume that he is a geek. It doesn’t work like that. Being a geek is a lifestyle choice just like being a ‘streamer or a pretentious fuckface (note: there are more choices than the three I just referenced. Don’t rage against me – rage against the machine). Geeks don’t give a fuck about bicep curls or bench presses or treadmills or the lamer gym with the lamer people and the lamer admission/subscription charges. A geek only exercises out of necessity. For instance, rather than biking (x) distance just for the feeling of burning in one’s legs a geek would bike to work or school or something. In fact, I have heard of people who aren’t geeks doing this. Fucking crazy, man.

Geeks don’t give a fuck about:
1) Television.
2) Automobiles.
3) Social Networking.
4) Making A Good Impression.
5) Meeting New/Exciting/Important People.
6) Your New Clothing Item.
7) Etc

Geeks do give a fuck about:
1) World of Warcraft.
2) Linear B
3) When You Go To A Website And The Entire Thing Is Flash, Fuck That Shit Is Lame.
4) Obscure Anime Forums.
5) Japan.
6) ???
7) Profit.

Yeah, this was meant to be a definitive post but this is a long way from being definitive. I guess life is just like that. This is part one of on-going research. Feel free to contribute. Don’t bother emailing me – I don’t really care about that. Use the comment function. Hmm, I just realised that I have embedded an image that is probably from a pornsite. We could be in for some spam like that GTA post. Oh, well.

I think this is a Fashion post.

But when I got down to the mall there was a severe lack of sluttz and/or school-girls. It was like someone had sent out a memo or some shit or maybe all of the school-kids got held in from school because “Rave Girl” was having a sale and they didn’t want a riot to happen or something.

What I did see, however, was a large amount of these fucking things:

I know it is nearly winter here, and the news says that winter is setting in early due to some “storm” in the North-East but why do chicks have to do this?

FACTS ABOUT UGG-BOOTS
Wearing Uggz says the following about you:
1) You think being lazy means you look like a relaxed, carefree person.
2) You don’t shave your legs.
3) You don’t clean your vagina.
4) You hate (giving or receiving) oral sex.
5) You are an expendable part of society.
6) You support racial hatred.

Wearing Ugg-boots with jeans is fucking horrendous. If you want to wear jeans and stay warm, wear some bitching sneakers like these:

This will ensure you don’t look like a fucking troll. But please, all self-respecting Japanese women know that the ideal winter garb is leg-warmers and high-heels. Anything other than this is a massive underachievement and will not get you laid. Trust me on this one.

You can also do them with leggings if you need to:

This article is pretty uninteresting but I feel that I need to draw your attention to the “Wide-legged pants.” These are versatile in the same way that pyjamas are versatile. They are “comfortable” and “casual” and you can “be yourself” in them and they also make you look like someone dining solely from microwave dinners in a motel that is run by some hairy guy who always wears the same sweat-stained wife-beater and never fixes anything.

I think I don’t get this because I am being presented with something that does not exist outside of magazines. I believe this model is wearing something for an older woman and as a consequence I can’t really say whether it is good or bad because none of my hormones are filling my brain up with sparkles.

What the fuck is this? I mean, is that dress okay? I think it is – actually, I think the top half is kind of ok – she has a NICE HEADBAND. But what is the bottom half about? Iridescent green heel things? Why do I feel like the world is a sad, sad place when I look at this? My eyes are annoyed because I am wasting their time.

Who do I blame for this? Is it the model’s fault? Is it the photographer’s fault? Is it the wardrobe consultant’s fault? How did this make it into the magazine? This is pretty degrading.

Well… I mean, this is pretty good. Sparkle, sparkle etc.

But I think I like this better. This is what shuttershades should do instead of making the world look like you have awoken on the wet grass pressed up against the metal fence of a primary school on a Friday morning. You’d better get out of here and find some pants before things get illegal.

Or do you stand in the doorway and try to assume the Justice position for a minute or so and then move out of the doorway to feel the might of the bangers crucifix?

Perhaps you hold your breath for ages and then get someone to push against your chest? Then they can take advantage of you while you are passed out. I cannot think of any other reason why anyone would play this game. This is date-rape but without roofies.

Or maybe you make yourself a cup of tea and go to take a biiiiiiig sip but instead you blow on the surface of the tea and the steam clouds up your eyes. Is this what having glasses is like? Can doing this allow you to experience alternative realities? Is this the new time travel? Actually, this is more like discovering parallel universities. I mean universes. In this life you are 12% geekier with 25% more chance of being ‘quirky’. You could get heavy black frames and be a real hipster kid, too.

In this life there are still dinosaurs as well and you get harried by velociraptors on the way to school through the jungle. I don’t think Jurassic park painted a very realistic portrait of dinosaurs and I also think dinosaurs get a bad deal from the media. This is probably the reason that dinosaurs aren’t big in fashion.

I am going to buy this t-shirt and start dating high-level designers.

Or do you get together with your BFFs and lift an entire person only using two fingers each? “Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board. Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board.” Is this Wiccan? Is this Magick? I always thought this game was pretty stupid. I also feel that this game excludes people who don’t have many friends. This game is the reason that bulling is such a problem in our primary schools. I think if more kids listened to NWA they would learn how to talk smack better and bullies would be less of a problem. Kids need more positive role models in their lives. Having to look up to hulking idiots who make a living from groping each other in the mud is not going to produce a confident and successful generation.

Sorry, got a bit side-tracked. Remember the Batman board games? The one that I had had “Side-tracked!!!” squares with Catwoman on them. I never understood why having to fight Catwoman would be a sidetrack. Why didn’t they just write “Fighting Catwoman!!!!”? Being a kid was pretty confusing.

Do you remember when the major Hollywood blockbuster of Catwoman with Halle Berry came out? For some reason everyone was really, really excited about that movie because Halle Berry is “soooo hott.” I never thought so because the first movie I saw with Halle Berry in it was Monster’s Ball:

As part of an on-going effort to keep sleep500 worksafe, I don’t really want to post much more than this. You know where google is.

Is it because you have to get somebody else to write your lyrics? This has been my theory for a while; that someone with much more of a grasp on the english language than yourself gets paid exuberant amounts of money to write pimpin’ songs. And dude, when this writer guy is sick or on holiday or whatever you should at least wait until he gets back before you attempt to write anything yourself!!! Otherwise it may come out like this:

“They say I talk with so much emphasis…
…… Oooooo, they’re so sensitive”

OH WAAAAAIT THOSE ARE ACTUALLY YOUR LYRICS, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WAIT UNTIL YOUR WRITER COMES BACK FROM HOLIDAY BEFORE YOU COME OUT WITH ANY MORE OF THIS SHIT, THIS DOESN’T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE.

Also, I hardly need to say anything about the fucking ridiculous glasses you endorse. Note: If I ever see you, YES READER THAT MEANS YOU, wearing a pair of these glasses in a public place, I will…. I don’t even know what I will do. I think I’ll just have to hope that it never happens.
< %image(20080930-kanye.jpg|500|333|YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH BOOOOOOIIIIIII)%>

Idk if you really have much to be proud of, man. You clearly can’t speak english, and you endorse items of clothing that deem useless the human bodypart they were made for. The worst thing is, people tell me you are actually arrogant!!? I don’t know if I believe them.

“I don’t know whats better gettin laid or gettin paid.” – Kanye West

“I know I got angels watchin me from the other side.” – Kanye West

“LOOL IMA DIIIIIIICK” – Kanye West

See? I mean sure, you think you have your own angels? k man.

Oh, and I hear that your record label is called GOOD music. Dude, seriously.

I hope I never, ever meet you.

Love, Goss

Victoria Beckham is a hot bitch and she is a philanthropist. Her income supports at least nine top-level designers. Katie Holmes really wants to be Vickkktorrria Beckham, so she is trying to get up in that designer action. Sadly, she is more about the near misses than the actual business and the press like to take low-angled shots of her dresses for some pantie action.

p.s. LOL nips