SLEEP500 » food

THIS COURGETTE CAME FROM OUR VEGETABLE GARDEN AND IT IS GOING TO BE DELICIOUS

Zach — Sun, 02 Jan 2011 05:21:11 +0000

Over the past month or so Simon has planted and tended to a fruit and vegetable garden at our house.

TAKE THAT, T’NEALLE!

IN WHICH I DISCOVER I AM A JEWISH VEGETARIAN WITH A TOOTHPASTE-BUKKAKE FETISH

Zach — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 02:04:47 +0000

This morning I was feeling particularly happy about being home so I went down to the butchers and bought a kilo of their Award Winning streaky bacon and the other ingredients essential to an English Breakfast. Anyway, the food part isn’t that exciting.

After cleaning up with Dove I got down to chilling on the internet. I leant on one of my hands and was like, “Gross! I fucking smell like bacon grease!” I got up and washed my hands, which didn’t do shit for some reason. So I brushed my teeth and instead of spitting the minty foam into the sink, I spat it on my hands and pretended it was soap.

I was so interested by this that I forgot to re-smell my hands afterwards.

I hate the smell of bacon or ham on my hands. Am I secretly a Jew? Life is so confusing.

BUT WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T GET A BIG KING BECAUSE THEY ARE JUST A BIG MAC AND THEY’RE NOT ‘BIG’ AT ALL

Zach — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 11:39:27 +0000

Last night we walked a kilometre down the road to a Burger King that didn’t exist until we’d bought food at some little Turkish place. Halfway through my falafel dürüm I looked over Sheridan’s shoulder and saw it glinting in the cool, night air.

WHY DO YOU TREAT ME SO BAD WHEN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH?

AS I WAS CUTTING I WAS THINKING: “OH, MAN THIS IS SO STUPID. LOOK AT THE HORROR I HAVE CREATED.”

Zach — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 02:48:37 +0000

This morning I opened a pack of cornflakes with a serrated knife. It was one of those plastic packs of cornflakes that are pretty cheap to buy that have fairly nice cornflakes in them. I basically destroyed the top of the packet due to how poorly suited to the job the knife was.

As a consequence I was mad and now my cornflakes are going to go stale and shitty because I won’t be able to seal the packet very well due to the stupid rips in the packet. The moral of the story is: Don’t use a knife to do the job of scissors.

I hope you have enjoyed this extended metaphor.

I KNOW I HAVEN’T POSTED FOR A WHILE BUT PLEASE FORGIVE ME BECAUSE NOW I AM HELPING YOU EAT

Zach — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 03:59:14 +0000

Hello everyone, I have just made a delicious snack and I have come here to tell you about it. I was just going to take a photo of it and let you see it, but someone stole my stolen phone so I guess I will have to create it out of images from the Internet.

Ingredients:
Some crackers (not white people)
Chow chow
raw onion (red or white, it doesn’t really matter)
Blue cheese or Brie or Camembert or one of those yummy cheeses.

(Highly Useful and Informative and Necessary) Steps:
1) Take things and put them on the cracker.

This is a stunning artist’s representation of what the snack looks like:

RAGE WHEN I WENT TO GOOGLE THEY HAD PUT MODERATE SAFE-SEARCH ON. I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN THEY RESET MY PREFERENCES.

Anyway:

I believe this is an accurate representation of what my snack looked like prior to me inserting it into my bloodstream. Make sure you don’t put too much onion on or your T cells will complain about the taste.