Maybe it’s something to do with this.

Granted, there are other ways to do this kind of thing but copy/pasting is so hard to beat.

I was going to paste a big bunch of bullshit in here but now I’m kind of mad about how I don’t have a Linear B character set anywhere on my system. WHY DO I MAKE THINGS SO HARD FOR MYSELF?

Man, I should probably go back to Ubuntu.

Next time we have a LAN we are either playing Doom or Warcraft II.

Or maybe I’ll start playing those alpha-phase rogue-likes that have multiplayer capabilities and we’ll start adventuring in dungeons together. Or maybe I’ll take this road to it’s logical conclusion and start playing WoW NO, JUST KIDDING I MEANT DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS.

Because Katherine Mansfield wrote that a writer’s job was “not so much to solve the question but to put the question,” I’m not going to do any more research into this matter other than a basic search on Wolfram|Alpha.

NOTE: This works in Windows XP. I guess it probably works in Vista. Mac users – soz, I didn’t try this with a Mac virtual machine BUT as soon as you have mounted the DOS bootdisk the steps with be the same (probably). Linux kiddies – I haven’t tried this in Linux, soz. I might do it later and then post an update.

The files that you will need for this project are contained in this rar file. Download that shit (maybe this is illegal, but Windows 3.11 is abandonware so I don’t think they are going to care). It is a 16.1mb download so you aren’t going to be breaking the bandwidth bank. You will also need to download a virtual pc. The one I used is here. You can probz do this on the 2007 one, but the file is about 15mb bigger or something. MSVPC2004 is 18mb.

Step 1: Install Virtual PC

I don’t think you need instructions for this.

Step 2: Create A Virtual Hard Disk

You can find the hard disk Wizard in the “File” menu. Put the hard disk wherever you want it. VPC creates a new directory called “My Virtual Machines” so you could put it in there.

MAKE IT FIXED SIZE. You don’t really want a 2GB (default) virtual machine because you don’t have 2GB work of stuff to put on it (yet). On the next page you can specify how big it is. 50MB should be plenty.

Step 3: Create A Virtual Machine

This one will do for us.

Put this where you want it. A useful name would be the name of the OS that you were going to put on it. A more useful name would be “Shank A Bitch And Eat What Comes Out.”

You don’t need an image for the next screen. If you have VPC 2004, you should choose “MS-DOS” or “Other”. If you have VPC 2007, just choose “Other”. On the next screen adjust the RAM to 64MB. DOS can handle it. When it asks for a hard disk, navigate to where you put your hard disk and select it.

Step 4:Start Your Machine

You: “Yaaay, Zach. Look how much stuff I can do!”

Step 5: Make Your Machine Do Something

I know that this is all very exciting with the flashing prompt, but you can’t really do shit right now. Go to the “CD” menu of VPC and select “Capture ISO Image…” browse to wherever you extracted the gift from sleep500 and mount the .iso in the DOS 6.22 folder.

That will yield this prompt screen:

You have successfully mounted a bootdisk of MS-DOS 6.22. Now we need to format some of the virtual hard disk space so we can use it for Windows. On this DOS bootdisk are some tools including a format tool. To see what is on the disk, type “DIR” (all commands are to be typed without quotes). To see this screen by screen type “DIR /P”.

Step6: Format A Drive

Before we format the drive we have to create the space. We will use a tool called “FDISK”. So enter “FDISK”

We want to create a DOS partition so enter “1″. And it is a Primary partition so enter “1″ again. It will ask you if you want to make use the maximum size available. We do, so answer “Y”. Then it will restart. Now we need to format this disk space you have created. Type “FORMAT C:”. It gives a warning about losing non-existent data. It will format your drive then ask you to label it. I’ve called mine “Windows.”

Step 7: Install Windows 3.11

Ok. Now we are going to install Windows. Wait, to check if your format worked, type “C:”. If the prompt changes to “C:\>” then you are a winner. If not, you’ve fucked up and I can’t help you.

To install Windows you need to mount the floppy images by going to the “Floppy” menu of VPC and browsing to wherever the floppy images are. The Windows 3.11 floppy images are .IMA files and they AREN’T in the folder they are meant to be because I fucked up. The images are in the “winimage” folder. Mount “WIN1.IMA”. Change the prompt to “B:” the same way you just changed it to “C:”. You can use the “DIR” commands in this folder as well.

Type “SETUP.EXE”

This will yield a screen that looks like the above. Advance to the next screen. “Express Setup” is probably the way to go but do “Custom” if you are hardcore. Now it will start installing Windows. Your computer will probably give you that horrendous system beep [TIP: MUTE YOUR COMPUTER - this may not work for desktops]. That is ok – it means that things are working. You’ll need mount the next floppy image when it asks you to. After disk 3 you’ll come to an actual GUI, which is exciting! Enter a name and a company:

Darth Vader is the registered user of all of my Windows products.

When you are in Windows 3.11 it will probably trap your mouse, meaning you won’t be able to just drag the cursor out of VPC. Press the right alt to free up the cursor.

It will then give you some kind of error about installing system files on the A: drive. You don’t want them there so just choose “Cancel.” Play the insert floppy game a couple more times and then you will get the might of personal computing circa 1992.

After some stuff you will be returned to DOS. Type “win”.

YOU SUCCEED AT LIFE!

For some reason there are six floppies, but it installs off five of them. You can play around with putting the files from the sixth floppy into the C: drive. If you close VPC and want to play with Windows you’ll need to have that .iso image loaded for DOS to work. Windows 3.11 is basically just a GUI for DOS. Change the prompt to C: and type “CD WINDOWS” (“CD” = Change Directory”). To launch Windows use “WIN”.

Now you’ll want to know what your fresh install of Windows can do. Well, it basically can’t do anything, but it was fun to install! Later I am going to try to get mine on the Internet. If that works there will be another one of these.